The Mirror

In the right side of my nose, I have a mole. The mirror is gloryfying my beauty. Indeed it's a sheer beauty, isn't it? I think it really does. All time.

       "Are you done? How far I'll wait?"

 

       Ma is shouting at me. My beautiful mom. Smart mom. She knows everything. In a single word she is an ace. We are going to a wedding party. One of my cousins' ceremony. Actually my aunt's daughter, a pretty lady. Me too. My bed, my pillows, my cycle though it's for gent's, they all know about that. And of course Sallu, the guy from my class. Class ix, section B, roll 32. my roll is 6.

       How do I look? Slim, fair, pointed nose, adorable cheek & eyes.... they are just gorgeous. In Sallu's version "not less than Aishwariya Rai. I really feel so. But it would be a statement, I never thought.

       "Enough of waiting.... "

       I'm always dazzling to my Ma. Ma knows about my different attitude. Apparently it causes a queer anticipation, to be more precise a fear. Especially when I'm in kitchen or having kajal to my eyes along with my certain body movements. Eventually I got hurt. Now it's ok, as I know my genuine me. Having Sallu in my life it becomes more vivid.

       I'm wearing a pecock-blue punjabi, a swal in dupatta style. Slight hue of kajal. I love beautification. Why don't I present my true self in front of others? Only Sallu can feel me. He is nagging for a selfe. I know he will definitely come to see me once if he was not feverish.

       Seeing to my eyes Ma is little agitated as I've used kajal. I can feel the ache. It's still there.

       Father is busy to manage the car. Ma will have the front seat with him. Father can't accept my presence. Though previously it was different. I used to observe my father's most complex feeling to me. He feels proud in the society as I'm a bright student but at the same time feels irritated to accept me. what kind of a boy I am?

       I'm in the back seat of the car. The mixture of perfumes creates a bizarre smell. AC is in moderate mode. In this pandemic, Ma is always in tension as father has high sugar & blood pressure. Ma is very aware, always ensures whether we've the mask & sanitizer. Father is talking about my cousin ; once she eloped with a bad guy. then brought back to home forcefully. Tried to commit suicide, got hospitalised for four days, though everybody knows for Diarrhea but actually poison. Now she is getting married with a very rich man from Dubai. I really don't know how can she forget everything so softly? whatever happen in my life I'll always stay with Sallu, whether he'll get a job or not. We'll open a role centre. I can make very delicious role. Oh! forget to say I'm a very good cook. Whenever I enter in kitchen, Ma doesn't feel good. Initially I thought it was jealousy but later I realised Ma doesn't have fear about me but my mind.

       Father is still using bad words for the guy, later on my cousin then my aunt and all. Ma will also take part to add some more spices on this topic.

       I don't like this type of conversation. I've just taken my mobile, played a Lucky Ali's song & plugged my ears. I love very much Lucky Ali. What a voice he has! Sallu's voice is close to Ali. I've done another thing today. I don't feel easy in my beard & moustache. so I've clean shaved. These extra hair causes lots of humiliation, especially in school. Few of my friends call me a bear, a female bear. 'chakka', 'ladies', 'boudi', 'chammakchallo' these all are my regular names. Actually not names, just insult. My real name is Shuvrangshu, but I call myself Parijaat. This is only known to Sallu. In WhatsApp, he calls me by this name. So many time Ma scolded as I lock my whatsapp. But how can I? Who will suffer? Definitely Ma. Father doesn't bother in this issue... in grave voice he says.... just leave it...it's a complete waste... only good in study.... otherwise what's the use of such rubbish....

       In this colour, I've another story. both my parents went to a late night party. I was alone in the house. Then I was in class eight. That was an unbound joy. I went to Ma's room, opened the wardrobe, took the Benarashi sari & makeup box of Ma. For a long time I decorated myself as per my dream. It was a complete amazement to see myself in the mirror. I couldn't move my eyes. On that time I didn't know Sallu. He was in another section. I took some snapshots & saved them. I was wandering in all the places in my home. The sound of my Nupur created an extraordinary humming that I'll never foeget. Who was it? Is it Shuvrangshu or Parijaat?

       Forgot to have my dinner. Unknowingly I got sleep without any change on sofa. I woke up by door banging. Ma was shouting, father was terribly drunk. He was singing a Kishor Kumar's song. Ma doesn't drink.

       I was utterly shattered. Ma was looking at me frozenly.

       Father unstablelly frown just once. Ma slapped me. She was shaking. Again the irritating smell of the perfume. Forgot to switch on the AC. Father was sweating. Ceiling fan was creating no less than a stormy roar. Ma could have slapped again but father was busy to create another scene, by adding " how could you produce such a eunuch... in our family there is none like this.... u must have slept with...."

       Ma used a slang. Father too. I couldn't tolerate anymore. I put off the sari. Only in a shorts almost barely I left the place. I shut the door. The alcoholic atmosphere made me sick. I was hungry. But for the first time I didn't feel to cry, instead I felt an intense joy. It's the joy to revel my own self. But am I really an eunuch? I've seen them. I'm honestly not like them. Is there any possibility to curve my voice like them, when I'll be grown up? No I'm not a eunuch.... I'm a girl.... I was crying.... then slept.

       The very next day we didn't talk with each other. Did my all regular jobs silently. After that day, father didn't mention me as 'eunuch'. But when he lost his temper he used to call me 'mal'.

       Munna Di was very busy with her makeup. I am silently sitting by her. Munna Di is looking superbly awesome. She is little dark but very sweet. We are having some chitchat. In a jeans & T-shirt a boy suddenly enters the room. Swiftly we exchange our eyes. The boy shifts his eyes. I know the language. The boy comes here as a henna artist for Munna Di. By a single look I feel the boy is exactly like me. Is he a eunuch? No. His voice is very attractive. Very often I'm looking at him. Of course not directly. Unexpectedly he said "I'm Sanju.... but people call me Sanjana.... You...?

       The room is packed up with other girls. They are laughing at us. I'm feeling extremely humiliated. Sanju sympathetically tries to divert the issue. Munna Di just introduces us. Still now I can't handle the awkward situation. Sanju gently hold my hand then said, "do you want to try some henna?"

       Bewilderedly I look at him. In return he delivers a lofty smile, then said, "what's up? Why are you staring..? I'm your Sanjana Di, got it?" Again the girls burst into boundless laughter. But Sanjana Di isn't bothering the humiliation. Humiliation, insult, are these all for the teens? Ma too feels humiliated. isn't she grown up enough?

       Without waiting Sanjana Di is deigning a flower in my left hand. From the core of my heart one prominent voice is coming out; "I'm Parijaat."

       It's very clear by the appearance of Sanjana Di, that we are very close to each other. We can feel each other. He loves me. Not the so called filmy love, it's a genuine love from an elder sister. The warm feeling is giving me a placid state of mind. I've never experienced such binding in my life.

A butterfly & a flower are made in my hand. "this flower is you...and this butterfly is your prince. one day definitely he'll come." Sanjana Di whispers to me.

       Instantly I feel the dazzling Diwali in my whole existence. Lights, lights & lights....

       "l'll talk with you later." Sanjana Di says with a gentle poke.

       Sanjana Di moves somewhere else. I am cherishig minutely the lively impression. Meanwhile I heard Ma's voice, that reminds me the presence of my parents.

       "Who has done this?",grabbing my hand Ma is yelling at me. Now silent is everywhere. Munna Di tries to manage the situation. Don't know whether she has done it deliberately or not. Now I'm the focusing object in this room. Everyone is enjoying this deliciously, except Ma & me.

       Ma gives me a tight slap. Rashly drags me to the car . I'm getting numb. Ma is shouting that I'm really a waste, unfit for any kind of civilized society. But I can still feel the agony of my Ma.

       But ma is not crying. A combination of anger & helplessness is very vivid in her eyes. I'm familiar with this. previously it has happened many times. Generally Ma doesn't hit me but sobs a lot. Sanjana Di is looking at me while I'm being dragged to the car. The gazing is not ordinary, as if he can see my whole inner existence. How is it possible? Now I'm breaking down . An intense ache is tearing my heart into pieces. I can't hold myself. None can understand me. Sallu doesn't exist in reality. Roll 32 bullys me all the time. None I can share with. Ma says not to share but revolt. But I can't. I'm not as strong as he.....

       No one asks me for dinner. I'm just lying down on my bed. Suddenly one notification in what's app....

 

       "I'm sanjana di... don't feel low...ping me.... I'll be there..."

[Translated By: Sagar Sil]

[মূল গল্পঃ আয়না]